What do you do when you have a heart like mine? A heart that has been beaten and broken so many times, but somehow still manages to continue to love? What do you do when all the broken parts of your heart just make you love deeper, instead of turning you away from love? The depth of the things I can feel in my heart isn’t something I can describe.
So much of my life was spent following the “rules” as far as love was concerned. You couldn’t love someone if you hadn’t known them for a long time…don’t say I love you first…love could be a fairytale…if he was mean it was only because he loved me so much…the belief that I would never be cheated on, because I was faithful to a fault….And so many other ridiculous things that got me nowhere. My view on love was a distorted mess…And that was before the relationships that just about killed me. By the time I came out on the other side of those, I figured I’d leave all the broken pieces on the floor…I wasn’t trying to put them back together this time. But I did, and I found someone….I got pregnant, and then he raped me.
And then there was nathan….it was Nathan who kept me alive after my babies died…it was Nathan who saved me….it was him who kept my heart from turning to dust and blowing away…I always joked with him that he used drywall mud to keep it all together. When he died, there was nothing left to hold it together. I didn’t care what happened to my heart, because I didn’t have him anymore. For the last three years I’ve grieved my husband, I’ve grieved what we had, I’ve grieved what we should have had…I’ve cried so many tears, it’s a miracle that my eyes haven’t gone dry yet. I’m still angry that I couldn’t keep him…angry that I have been put in a situation where I have to even consider a new relationship. There are so many shitty people in this world…why was it him that was taken? Why was it me that had to lose my love? There have been a few occasions when I have decided that I’m ok with being single for the rest of my life, because truthfully Nathan did love me enough to last a lifetime. But the fact is that I am still young, no matter how old I feel. I shouldn’t have to spend the rest of my life alone, and Nathan would not have wanted me to. Someone new will never replace him…but the beautiful thing about this broken heart is that it still has the capacity and desire to love. However….the way that I love, the way I feel about love, all the rules about love….it’s all different. For me there is no time frame…if I feel something, then I feel something…I’m not waiting around for “the right time” to express that…fuck all that timing shit. The right time is nothing but a myth. There is no right time for anything, especially love.
Now, what I could have told you at the beginning of this post is that I opened my heart again. And how awesome would it be to have then ended that with “And we are so happy and so in love”. How awesome….except that is not how shit goes. Not for me anyway. Here is what actually happened.
I fell….I fell hard and I fell fast…not just for him, but for me. Now, this is not a case of “i loved who I was when I was with him”. Because that wasn’t it at all. Because I didn’t actually spend much time with him physically, and we were never together. I don’t know if it was even really him, or if it was that allowing myself to just let go of all the rules and bullshit made it possible, but during our brief time talking, I fell in love with myself.
I’ve always said that Nathan knew me better than anyone, better than I knew myself. And he did, because he could see through all the bullshit and the walls…he could see through all the pain…he could see me. But what I didn’t realize until the last couple months is that I have never seen myself…not until now.
There are some things about myself that I’ve always known. I have a big heart…when I am passionate about something, then I’m all in…when I love, I do it with all of myself…I am sarcastic…I am stubborn…I hate liars….these are all things that I already knew. But what I didn’t know is far more important..
I am beautiful. Maybe not in the ways that the world thinks I should be. In the eyes of other people, I’m fat…And that alone is enough to deem me unattractive and therefore, unlovable. But what I realized is that I don’t care what the rest of the world thinks. I don’t care what other people see when they look at me, especially if they can’t see past the weight. What is here…inside me, and on the outside…is beautiful…broken in so, so many ways…but incredibly beautiful. I am no longer ashamed of my body. I am a sexy, beautiful woman that owns everything that I am.
I am allowed to want more…more out of life…more from myself…more from others in my life. I am allowed to not settle for less than I deserve….to an extent, this was something I knew. What I didn’t know, was that I deserve a hell of a lot more than I ever knew.
I will never accept or allow someone to take advantage of me. I will never be the girl on the side, I will never be someone’s little secret.
I will not be made to feel ashamed of my sexuality in any way. Yes…my husband died…I didn’t. I am still allowed to have needs…wants…desires…yes, I’m a widow. Yes, I’m a mom. But before I was either of those things, I was a woman…I still am…And as a woman, if I choose to act on the things that I want, there isn’t a damn thing wrong with that.
The last thing I will list, I owe directly to someone else. Someone I called my inspiration. He told me that I was my own muse…I didn’t get it then…but fuck, I get it now. I didn’t need someone else’s participation to write my story…I won’t need anyone else’s participation to continue my story….know why? Because it’s MY FUCKING STORY. My story to change as I see fit.
I’m sure eventually I will share more about all of this, but for now I’m gonna stop…And I’m going to end this with an “I love you” and a kiss…all to myself xoxo