10 years

Today marks so many different things for me. It marks the end of 6 months of hard days…some almost unbearable to get through. The loss of so many people that I love…Nathan’s birthday…the day that he died….and the loss of my sweet baby boys. Those are the days when it is hard to breathe, let alone function the way that I need to…..

Ten years ago today I walked into a hospital with the worse headache I’ve had in my life…completely clueless as to what was coming. I was 33 weeks pregnant with Bryce and Keiran, so sick that I hadn’t realized that my pregnancy had taken an awful turn. When the nurse hooked me up to all the monitors I could see in her face that something wasn’t right, and when the doctor came in my fears were confirmed. Having someone tell you that your babies are gone is indescribable. Having someone induce labor to deliver your stillborn babies is also indescribable. I still don’t remember much of my actual labor, but I remember the feeling of holding my babies, not breathing, in my arms. I remember the students coming in the room to observe as if my broken heart was on display. I remember when they took my babies out of my arms as I told them goodbye for the last time. I remember leaving the room against medical advice….I remember the ride down the elevator…I remember walking out the door, and all I wanted to do was walk into the traffic. All I wanted was to be with my babies.

The only thing that saved me was the sound of my phone ringing, and Nathan’s name on the screen. The days that followed were some of the hardest of my life. But I had him. His strength and comfort brought me through all the heartbreak, and I knew that as long as I had him, I would never be alone…I knew that, despite the permanent hole in my heart, I would be ok.

Their birthday has been so hard since Nathan’s been gone. He was my rock, my strength. Without him it’s hard to get through the days. I cannot believe how long they have been gone…and it still hurts just as much as it did the moment I knew that they were gone. A loss like this is something that never goes away. I will always long to have them in my arms…to watch them grow…hear them cry and laugh…watch their chest rise and fall as they are breathing in my arms. Ten years is a long time to be without your babies….I will love and miss my boys every single day of my life…but especially on their birthday.

Proud Momma Moment

Tonight I had a proud momma moment. A rare moment where I am not second guessing myself or doubting my abilities as a mother at every turn.

I truly realized that I am doing something right when my child went to pick out a bedtime story and he returns with the extraordinary life of Malala Yousafzai ❤ he also read the extraordinary life of Rosa Parks and the extraordinary life of Anne Frank when we went camping! Today he came to me and asked why something bad had to happen to them to make their lives extraordinary, but nothing bad happened to Neil Armstrong when he was reading about him. My 8 year old child came to the realization, all on his own, the difference between how men and women are treated because of their gender. People talk shit about the fact that I am so real when it comes to interacting with my children because of their ages…but I think that the things I can teach them, as well as the lessons they learn on their own, are so much better for them to learn now. My kids are kind, compassionate, empathetic, feminist children who respect other people’s boundaries and aren’t afraid to speak their minds when they know that something is wrong. Whether it is #blacklivesmatter, #lgbtq+, or even #metoo, they see the inequality and they see through those who keep causing all these movements to be necessary. They see color…they see that not all people are the same, and they embrace all of those differences. And when they see someone who is being hurt by other people simply because they are different, they lend their voices to those in pain.

Love me, or hate me. Love my parenting, or hate it. I honestly don’t give a fuck. I am beyond proud of the people my children are becoming, and you will NEVER convince me otherwise. They form their own thoughts and opinions about the world, and I would be doing them a huge injustice if I didn’t allow them access to the real world. Raising the next generation to be better, and to do better, is a fucking honor.

A widow’s chapter 2

In the world of widows and widowers, a chapter 2 is love that comes after the loss of your spouse. It is a term that is used constantly, and it has always rubbed me the wrong way.

I get why people call it that, I guess, but it just really bothers me. That would mean that Nathan was my chapter 1, and to reduce our life and love to merely a chapter feels like a betrayal to what was actually a great novel in my life. I’ve had more than one novel during my time on earth,, not just the amazing romance that came to be with Nathan…novels of great sadness and violence and tragedy, but novels of my life nonetheless. I had the greatest love story I could ever have imagined with my husband, despite it ending in tragedy. I now have a new love in my life and have been engaged for almost a year. Love that began the next novel of my life. With all that said, despite disliking the term for my own personal reasons, I do LOVE to see other widows and widowers falling in love. Love that often brings criticism and judgement from people who can’t possibly judge us because they have no idea what our lives are like. We get people who tell us that we need to move on, no matter how long it’s been since the death of our spouse (it started with me around 2 weeks after losing my husband, when people started getting tired of me posting about my grief). We have people who can’t believe that we would have the nerve to even try to find love again. I was 3 years out when I started dating my fiancé, and I still dealt with this crap.

The reality is that no longer how short of a time or how long of a time it’s been since we lost them, being able to find love again should be a joyous thing for other people to see, not just a part of our lives that they pass judgement on. We do not move on from this, but we do move forward. If we feel that we can open up our hearts to love again, you can open your hearts and be happy for us. After all we’ve been through, we deserve a little happiness.

Homeschooling with the Opinionated Widow

I know that there is a lot of uncertainty about so many things right now. One of the biggest issues seems to be the closure of our schools at such a critical time in the school year. I’ve seen so many moms posting about how they don’t have the time to teach their kids, or some who even think they don’t have the ability. This is the moment when I tell you that you are probably overthinking it. Under normal instances a child is in school for around 7 hours per day, and it seems that parents think that that amount of time also has to be utilized at home. I am here to tell you that is completely untrue. The longest my children have ever sat still doing work is a couple hours, max.

The most important thing for us is to make sure that things are organized and that they can get to their work and supplies. I recently changed over to a new “system” to keep work organized and accessible and it seems to be working quite well.

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The boys each have their own zip-up binder. In the front cover they have a sketch pad and inside one pouch they carry notebooks to write about things they want to learn about so that they don’t forget about it. There is a pencil pouch that holds pencils and a pen. Next there is a 1 subject notebook for them to use at their discretion, and following that there are five tabs labeled Monday-Friday. Behind each tab is a folder, and that is where their daily assignments go. At the back is a folder labeled letter crafts that we are doing while lucas learns his letters.

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After they have completed their work for the day they put it into a hanging file folder.

People always ask what curriculum we use, and they always seem shocked when I tell them that we don’t have one. I actually use lessons off of multiple sights and services, as well as doing some stuff on my own to create lesson plans. For the most part, we basically unschool. So besides the formal stuff they have to learn, they are allowed to shift what they learn based on things that interest them.

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Now don’t get me wrong, I am not here to tell anyone to get over what’s happening, or to tell anyone to suck it up. I can only imagine getting thrust into this with no life line and no preparation, hasn’t been easy. I’m not here to tell you that it’s going to be a perfect situation, because it never is. Homeschooling is not a walk in the park, but far too many of you are overthinking it and I think that is because of the stress you are under. Just take some time and sit down with your kids and figure out what homeschooling will look like for your family. You CAN do this ❤

I don’t care-4 years later…

I wrote this originally the december after I’d lost nathan. It is still so very true.

You know, obviously I don’t want anyone in my shoes, but I do wish that for just a few minutes people could look inside me and see what has happened because of our situation. I don’t care about anything. You may say that’s a bad thing, but I don’t think so. I don’t care if my kids want to stay up late, I don’t care if they make a mess, I don’t care if they want to wear shoes and clothes that don’t match, or take stuffed animals to the store with them, I don’t care if they want to eat cinnamon rolls for breakfast every day for a week, I don’t care if they are noisy…the fact that their squeals and laughter are filling this empty house is an awesome thing….
There are so many things that people freak out about….everything being in its place, messes being made when the kids are playing….hovering over them as they do crafts so the paint doesn’t get on anything…..
Newsflash: NONE OF THAT MATTERS
my kids and i have suffered an incredible loss…my husband and their daddy can NEVER be replaced, and now the only thing that matters for us is finding our road to being happy again. I wish so many others could see the value I see in the little things, without walking the road I’m on….

To the young widowed mom: I still see you

I wrote this post 2 years ago, but sometimes I feel like there are so many of us that cannot see their support group made up of every other young widow ❤ I CAN SEE YOU ❤ and I support you ❤ do what you need to do to get through each day, especially at this time of year ❤

I see you.  I see your struggles.  I recognize that look of desperation, exhaustion and defeat.  I can hear the heartbreak in your voice as you tell your child that you wish you could bring daddy back, and that you wish you knew why he died.  I can feel your pain as your tears mix with theirs when you pull them close to you.  I can feel your frustration every time someone tries to tell you what you should or should not be doing, when they have no real idea of what goes on in your life on a daily basis.  I know that the reason you were in the shower a little longer than you needed to be, is because the water hides your tears from the rest of the world.

I know how much effort is going into your trip to the grocery store.  The embarrassment you feel as people stare at you with pity in their eyes.  I know the mixed emotions you feel when you can’t decide what’s worse…the people stopping you to talk because they just want to be nosey, or the ones who are avoiding you because apparently being widowed is contagious.  I know why you are choking back tears as you return something you’ve been buying for years to the shelf, because your husband was the only person in the house that liked it.  I know that you drive out of your way to another town when you need groceries, so there is less chance of seeing people you know.

I know that you sit in your car long after you’ve gotten home from running errands, because the kids fell asleep and this may be the only moments of calm that you get for the rest of the day.
I know the pain of realizing how many friends are gone from your life because they can’t handle your grief…or because, as a single woman, you are now a threat to their relationship.  I know the anger you feel every time someone compares divorce to being a widow, or tells you how lucky you are to get to make all the parenting decisions for your child.   I know the anger that comes from people telling you that at least you are young, and you can still remarry…or that it’s great that your kids are young, because it will be easier for them to handle since they don’t really know what’s going on.

I know the pain and guilt you feel every time you fill out paperwork and have to write widowed, because in your heart you are still married.

I wish I could tell you that all the hard stuff will get better with time, but I won’t because I don’t believe that’s true.  It’s been more than 2 1/2 years and it still hurts like hell every single day.  I still reach for the phone in the middle of the day because I have something I want to tell him.   I still watch the clock and the driveway around the time he would be getting home from work.  I move closer to his spot in the bed hoping that I might find him next to me at night.  I still cry because I miss what we had, and I cry even more over what will never be.  Some days I feel like I am ready for new love, and other days I am content to be a widow for the rest of my life.  In a single day I will laugh till I cry,  then cry again from sadness…i will try to convince myself that this is all a nightmare, and I will curse the world when I have to admit that I know it’s reality.

The only true reality that any of us have, is that there is no right or wrong way to be a young widow.  There is no single right way to parent your grieving children, and what works for one probably won’t work for another.  There is no time frame on your grief.  How could anyone expect there to be a certain time limit for missing the love of your life?

Remember that it’s ok to cry, and it’s ok to let your kids see you cry.  They need to know that it’s ok to feel sad.  It’s also ok to smile and be happy, and let your kids know that happiness is ok too.  You’re also allowed to be angry about your situation, and to remove anyone from your life that doesn’t have your back.  This is a journey that none of us chose, but it is what we have been dealt…no one else gets to decide what your path is from here.  Just know that when you feel alone in all the heartbreak, that there are other young widows out there, and none of us are ever alone.

A widow’s wedding anniversary-6 years later

Nathan,

I couldn’t write to you on Saturday. Hell, I couldn’t even write about you on Saturday. I was trying so hard to distract myself from reality (though subconsciously you were there as I scoured the bakery for a pumpkin cake even though I knew there wouldnt be one) , that I didn’t let myself feel anything…but it’s all catching up to me now. It’s so hard to believe that’s been 6 years since one of the happiest days of my life…and even harder to believe that it’s been 5 years since we got to spend an anniversary together.

I still question our circumstances on a daily basis, and I don’t think that I will ever make peace with losing you. But honestly, how could I? After everything that I had been through, I had no desire to let anyone into my heart. But you, being one of the most stubborn people on the planet, decided that you didn’t give a damn about the walls I built around me. You were determined to have me, and so you demolished my walls. You always joked that you had me from hello…we both knew that was the truth, though. I even had it engraved on your wedding band. Parts of the words are wearing away from the chain that I wear it on, but I only have to hook my thumb through your ring and I can feel the words in my heart. You really did have me from hello, though there were times that I questioned why you’d want such a train wreck. I’d been cheated on, beaten, broken mentally and physically, I’d been raped twice, though you only knew about the first time. I dealt with mental illness and PTSD…and after I lost Bryce and Keiran, I wanted to die. But you gave me reason to live….you held on to me in every way possible to make sure I would survive.

You had this amazing way of making me feel like I was the only woman in the world when you looked at me. There wasn’t a single moment that I didn’t feel beautiful….not one second that I didnt feel your desire for me….I never had to wonder how you felt anout me. I could see it in your eyes….I could feel it in your touch. I truly was the luckiest woman in the world because you chose me. I was your forever after….but you were supposed to be mine too. Somedays I still want to convince myself that this has all just been a really long bad dream, but I just cant do it anymore. Sometimes I get lucky, and I get to dream about you….it’s only in those dreams that I can feel your touch…hear your voice…breathe you in….and those dreams dont happen often anymore.

I miss you…on normal days, on hard days, on sad days, on happy days….on days that end in y. I miss you with all the broken pieces of my heart. I miss you with all the healed pieces too. I will always miss you, just as I will always love you. Always.

Make sure she knows

Who is it that you reach for, in the middle of the night? Is she the rock that you never knew you needed? Is she the warmth that you need to keep your heart from turning cold? Is she the safe place you know you can always land when the world is rough? Is she the one you want beside you for the rest of your life? Does she give you butterflies? Is she someone you can be yourself around? Is she the one you can’t imagine a day without? Is she the one that you want to share your last name with? Does she give you a kind of love that you never knew was possible? Is she your best friend?

If she is all of these things, if she is your person…tell her. Make sure she knows every single day, how much you love her. Tell her you want to keep her. Ask her to be your wife. Tell her that she is your one and only.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Another chance may never come around…take chances…have faith in her and in her love for you….be the man that she wants…needs…desires…..love her like it’s the last day of your life ❤

You think you have time.

“The sad thing is, you think you have time.”

The reality is that we don’t know if we actually will have time to do whatever it is we are putting off till later. I know that my opinions on certain things means that alot of people don’t want to hear what I have to say about anything, and that’s ok. But if you don’t hear anything else that I have to say, please truly hear this:
Next year, next month, next week, tomorrow, the next hour, minute or even second are not ever guaranteed. If you are with someone who doesn’t appreciate you or treat you right, walk away now…don’t put it off hoping that they will change eventually. You deserve better now.
If you have someone amazing in your life, make sure to tell them every day how much you love them. Treat every kiss like it’s your last. Slow dance in the kitchen. Be real, raw and vulnerable….make love every chance you get. Do not go to bed angry. Be with someone that you can be unapologetically you around.

Take chances. Figure out who you are, and be the best version of you that you can. Be the kind of friend that you would want your friends to be. Apologize when you’re wrong. Forgive, but don’t ever forget. Do not leave things unsaid, good or bad. Be honest and faithful.

Love like tomorrow won’t come, because one day it won’t….

Hidden truths of a narcissist

For years you’ve looked at me. Your brown eyes, seemingly genuine, are filled with lies…but you are an expert at keeping them hidden. You seek out girls like me. Girls who have been hurt, lied to, cheated on and taken advantage of. Girls who are just begging for someone to love them. And in those moments of vulnerability, there you are. Ready to swoop in and save us from the people who want to hurt us.

What we can’t see, through your dimples and smooth talking, is that it is your intention to take advantage of all the hurt we’ve been through. You give us this false sense of hope, say you love us, say you will never hurt us, but none of it is true…you’re just a smooth talker.

I never understood what gaslighting was, until I was able to take a step back and see the entire picture. All those times that you tried to convince me that I was remembering things wrong…telling me that you were never unfaithful, even though you’d admitted to it long ago…you went out of your way to make me doubt my own memory, and to make me question if things were really as bad as I thought. Well, they were.

You try so hard to make sure the world around you doesn’t see the real you, and when your relationships fail it is never your fault. How could it be? You’re so amazing.

That is true though…you are pretty damn amazing. You are an amazing liar…an amazing cheater…you have an amazing sense of entitlement, which I can assure you you’ve never earned.

I am so happy that I finally realized all of this, and didn’t let you steal anything else from me.  The four years we were together were more than enough for me.  But now I’m free…you will never hurt me again.