Playing the Victim

I was recently told, by someone who I was previously friends with, that we were no longer on speaking terms because I was “playing the victim”…interesting way to look at it, I guess. The conversations around the time was all about sexual assault and how trump is a sexual predator and how his election was triggering to many sexual assault and rape survivors, and how these survivors had a right to feel everything they were feeling upon him being elected to lead our country. What is confusing to me is how it is that one can “play the victim” when they are in fact a victim. I’ve been sexually molested, sexually harassed, sexually assaulted and raped. I’ve been made to feel like I was somehow responsible for these situations, just as so many others like me are made to feel every single day. A person who has been victimized sexually multiple times by multiple people, is not “playing the victim” when they speak of their assault or their reactions to a predator being elected president. Just as we don’t know what things will trigger our grief, we have no control over what will trigger memories of our assault/assaults…watching people that i love and care about support someone like that was a huge trigger for my ptsd, and I will not apologize for my response to it.
I have never been apologized to…not by the little boy that shoved his hand under my dress and inside of me while we were sitting in a play house. Not by the countless guys that grabbed my ass or my boobs without my consent. Not by the guy who pushed me up against a wall and kissed me with his hand between my legs and his girlfriend right around the corner. Not by anyone who has ever made uninvited sexual comments about my body, especially those old enough to be my father. Not by the piece of shit that took away my choice to stay a virgin at 14 years old…who thought that just me being in the same vicinity as him meant that he had a right to do what he wanted, which is exactly what he did. And certainly not by the waste of oxygen that raped me at six months pregnant with my boys.
I will never get apologies from any of them, but I find strength in being able to tell my story and talk about what I’ve been through. I find strength in standing up for those who haven’t found their own voice to speak yet. You can tell me that I am “playing the victim” all you want to. I am a fucking victim…but I am also a survivor. And I will continue to survive, and continue to speak. You will never silence me.